"If You're Happy and You Know It"

I just recently taught this song to Sean. He can do all the motions, but he often walks or runs away in the midst. After all, he is a young toddler! As I taught him this song, I found that it bothered me. There is always this pressure to be happy. I went back to my adolescence for a moment. Those years after my Mom died. I didn't smile much. I wasn't happy. As I walked the halls of junior high school I would often see a teacher or a member of administration tell me to smile. I didn't want to smile. I was miserable. I witnessed my mother battle addiction and sickness for years and then she died. I was 13...an awkward age to begin with. They wanted me to smile and make my face surely show it? Really? Do you know what I have seen? Do you know what I replay in my mind? My Mom going delirious from overdosing on pain pills for chronic back pain...and holding me so tight as I said goodbye before the paramedics took her away. Do you know that it hurts me to know that my Mom was put in a padded room - so she wouldn't hurt herself or anyone else? Do you know my heart hurts for my Mommy...my security? How can I smile?

So I search for the happy. Isn't that what parents often say? I just want my children to be happy. I realized that we are not always going to be happy. We aren't always going to have a smile on our face. We are going to be angry, we are going to be sad, and yes we are going to be happy. Those are all emotions. Emotions God made and Jesus clearly felt. Happy is no longer my goal, but contentment with where my life is right now is my goal. Contentment is a choice. Contentment doesn't mean that a circumstance won't make me sad, angry, or happy. Contentment means taking what life hands me and truly knowing God is holding me in his arms. He is loving me despite my brokenness and He rejoices when I am happy...when I see the beauty He has created on this earth. He rejoices when I have a heart of Thanksgiving and I see His blessings in this messy world. He hurts for me when I hurt. Contentment is resting in His love, in truly understanding I don't have to take the burdens of this world on. He is going to take care of it. He is going to take care of me. He is there to fill the holes that I try to fill with the expectations I have of imperfect people and material possessions. Contentment comes from the full surrender of my life to Christ. To surrender is to trust. It must hurt Him for me not to trust Him in his unfailing love for me. To give all of me and my circumstances over to Him and then take it back and "try" to control it myself. Yet I keep doing it...it is human nature. It is my pride...my selfishness. But my true contentment comes in knowing I am weak and I am broken and very wounded apart from Christ.

Ever since Sean was born part of my my morning prayer for him is “Lord, help him grow strong, healthy, content, and wise in you.” Not necessarily be happy all the time, but when times get tough, for him to be content in the love Christ has for him. For his strength, endurance, and comfort to only come from Him. I think back to when I gave birth to a silent, still baby in September 2009. It broke my heart to hold Felicity's limp body. To feel her grow cold and hard as day became night. But we found peace in knowing she would never cry...which meant she would never know the pain of this world. Even though all I wanted to hear as she left my body was that first cry. I began to understand the harsh reality that life hurts from the very beginning. Our purpose here isn't to always be happy, but to experience a journey with Christ. A journey with pain, suffering and happiness. A journey where we don't get what we always want or think we want, but allow ourselves to be used for Him. To be putty in his hands...to be an example of His love for others...to share him and know this isn't our home. That one day we will be in Eternity...the heaven God designed for us. We are to do work for Him on this earth and it isn't always going to be easy, but I will choose to be content in God's plan for my life...that he loves me enough to use me to bring more people to his Kingdom. So as I had the amazing privilege of hearing Sean's first cry, a part of me ached for him. I wanted to hold him and tell him he would always be happy, but I knew his work on this earth was just beginning and the best gift that his Daddy and I could ever give him was the gift of him knowing he can find true CONTENTMENT in Jesus. That first night together, as I held Sean in my arms I sang "Jesus Loves Me". The song my parents taught me to sing as a little girl...the song I sang to my little girl and to my little boy when I held them in my womb.

"But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not grow faint." (Isaiah 40:31)