"My Grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about our weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
(2Corinthians 12: 8-10)
The love I have for my blue eyed flaxen haired little boy is indescribable. My days are devoted to raising him. Our mornings of learning, growing, disciplining and loving are full. Afternoon rest is precious. My house isn't as clean and organized as it was before this little boy entered my world, because his little boy needs require more of my undivided focus. The spaces that were once empty in my living room are now filled with children's books and toys. Our kitchen is home to cooking and art projects. Every area of our house says that a young person lives here and that in itself was a dream I had long before Sean was born. I can sincerely say I wouldn't trade these sticky-finger, adventurous, emotion-filled days for anything. When my head hits the pillow every night I feel a little sad, because I am saying goodbye to another day of his childhood.
But on the days I am weary, stressed about adult things, and he is being...well...two, I remind myself of the day I stared at my little girl and desperately wanted her little eyes to see the world. I remember carefully pulling up her eyelid to see what color her eyes were. I remember holding her for as long as I could...just gazing and hoping to never forget the contours of her face and the blue eyes under those tender eyelids. I remember tracing the blonde hair of her eyebrows and thinking that the little bit of brown in her hair would have probably turned into blonde...blonde ponytails with little girl giggles. I imagined what her giggle would have sounded like. Instead of seeing the world, she sees eternity. She sees the face of God. She sees the angels. She sees my mother. Oh to know, all that her little eyes see.
So when Sean is asserting his independence and testing my limits...when he is curious about the world around him and ends up making a mess (as adults see it), I remember what Felicity's eyes are seeing and I am reminded to give my son a little more grace and patience. I won't deny that being a mother is hard, but having the perspective of losing a child makes me step back and breathe. It helps me value life more fully and helps me love those around me more deeply. I want his eyes...the little eyes that are watching me...his eyes that are open to this world...to see the fruits of the spirit in his mother. My prayer is that God will grow these fruits in me. The journey He has taken me on as a mother thus far is not the one I imagined as a little girl rocking and feeding my baby dolls. It is deeper and more beautiful than I could have ever imagined - spilled milk and all.
Today as he waked from his nap the first words out of his mouth were, "I want Mommy, I miss her". When I entered his room and saw his little face and he told me, "Today is a special day" and I said, "Yes it is, sweetie". A few minutes later he begins singing, "This is the day the Lord Has Made, We will Rejoice and be Glad in it" Everyday is a special day, because every day is a day made by our maker. I am thankful for the places my little boy and little girl hold in my heart and how they remind me of the love and grace God extends to a mother in need of a savior everyday...a mother like me.
"But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control. Against such things there is no law." (Galatians 5:22-23)
Sean turned 2 1/2 March 10, 2013. Here are a few (okay, quite a few) pictures of some of Sean's adventures and explorations during the first six months of his 3rd year!
Surveying the Construction Site
Apple Picking at Mercier Orchards
Baking an Apple Pie
Learning Letters
Having Fun at the Pumpkin Farm
He loved the Petting Zoo
Decisions, Decisions....
Let's Take This One!
It's Farmer Sean!
This was a Big Haircut! His Laugh is Music to My Ears.
His First Train Ride...Bryson City, NC
Engineer Sean...Note the Thomas Train in His Hand. He Loves Trains!
Looking at Dry Falls...North Carolina
He Decided to Empty the Cornucopia and Use it as a Hat! He Has Such a Silly Sense of Humor!
Standing in "The Cotton Ball Field".
Merry Christmas!
Watch Out! He Has Wheels!
Making Valentines
Making a Snowflake Collage. Gluing is a Big Hit!
Playing Daddy's Guitar. He is always Singing and Making Music.
Sean has been fascinated with the moon for sometime now. "Moon" was one of his first words. His first interest wasn't a fleeting phase. Perhaps it is that magnificent glow in the midst of darkness? A month ago he asked to see the moon after dinner. We went outside to find glowing rain clouds, but the moon was hiding. It had been a rainy day. He didn't have the reaction we expected. He cried and promptly said, "I'm scared about the clouds, I want to go inside, Mommy!" My Mommy instinct kicked in and I immediately wanted to hold him, comfort him and take him inside where he was seemingly safe. We explained why the clouds looked so mysterious, held him close, and took him inside. The moon normally excites him, but the clouds scared him.
The first time I saw fear in Sean was when he was born. When he broke free from my womb. I was overjoyed to hear that strong, healthy cry, but the motherly instinct to cover him in love and protection was incredibly strong. It had been strong from the time I knew his little life had begun growing inside me. Many have said that there is no better way to understand God's unconditional love for each one of his children, than to become a parent yourself.
My journey of love for this little boy began before the positive pregnancy test. I remember placing my hand on my abdomen, praying, and crying tears of hope as I was listening to "What Faith Can Do", by Kutless. I knew his life was beginning. Two weeks later on January 29, 2010 I started cramping and decided it was time to take the test. Patrick was working from home that day. Two pink lines were on the stick and I was trembling. I was trembling, crying, and laughing. Physical signs of fear and happiness consumed me. I felt so blessed, yet so scared as Patrick and I held each other. I trembled for fear of seeing the clouds. I was scared of the clouds that had once filled my days after our baby girl went to eternity. Perhaps the laughter was somewhat like Sarah's laughter when God told her she would bare a son in her old age and name him Isaac. It was a laugh of humility...feeling blessed beyond measure. (Genesis 21:1-7)
The journey God took us on with this little life was faith building. We wrestled with fear everyday. We treasured every single moment. We told everyone I was pregnant very soon after that positive pregnancy test. We believed his life had begun and we were going to share him with everyone for as long as his life lasted. We were grateful for every loving prayer lifted by friends and family. We celebrated everyday with Sean. We documented the pregnancy through journaling, writing letters to him, video, and pictures...for we knew how much we treasure what we did document of our baby girl's life in me.
Not only did we struggle with fighting the fear that his life would be over sooner than we preferred, we witnessed other's fear for his life. The judgment behind why we chose to 'try again" so soon. Perhaps that was one of the hardest parts of my pregnancy with Sean. I felt the fear of others (even if they tried to hide it) so strongly that it saddened me. It hurt me, because we focused our daily energies on hope, faith and celebrating every moment...every kick...every ultrasound...every trimester...every heartbeat. We prepared his room, closet, our home, and our hearts for him to come home with us. We also knew that his home may not be on this earth, but we felt it wise to prepare. We had hope and faith. Our hearts had been surrendered to God's plan and we took one precious moment at a time. We hoped for what was unseen.
How much do we miss because we fear and don't trust? How many blessings and opportunities for celebration go unnoticed? How much beauty do we miss when we just choose to see the clouds? Sean knew something was different that night. He knew he felt small in comparison and he knew he needed comfort and love from someone he sees as more powerful than himself. The cloud that covered us when we lost our baby girl showed me just how much I need my heavenly Father. I cried into his loving arms and he assured me that he loves me in fearful moments and joyful moments of my life. He meets me where I am...always....with open arms of unconditional parental love.
I am thankful for the gift of loving and mothering Felicity Amanda and Sean Isaac. For both relationships have drawn me closer to God's amazing love. He gave me the courage to listen to his calling to "try again" and I am grateful I have not missed the beautiful blessings he had waiting for me.
"Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders."
