Sean is now 18 months old. In a little over a week he will be 19 months old. I have found myself going back to his baby days more. Especially now that I see him becoming a little boy. I am realizing how far we have come. I can't imagine what Moms must feel like when their children graduate from high school or college. Sean is just 18 months old, but what an amazing 18 months it has been! I remember being pregnant with Sean. I remember savoring every kick I felt and every heartbeat I had the privilege of hearing. Then he was born exactly one year to the day of his sister's Heavenly birthday. That first cry...I hope I never forget that sound. We prayed for that sound. I remember asking if he was okay. I remember being so tired, but so excited. I remember feeling so unworthy, so incredibly blessed that God would give us such a miraculous gift. I had a very strong bond with him from the start. Maybe because I was so in-tune with him during the pregnancy. I counted kicks all throughout the day. Sean was born quickly and as a result swallowed fluid coming through the birth canal. His little tummy was filled with fluid and he threw up a few times after he was born. His first night we kept him in the nursery, so the nurses could watch him and we could get some sleep. I remember lying in the bed and knowing my little baby boy was crying. I couldn't hear him, but I just knew he wasn't happy. I couldn't sleep. He needed his Mommy. I remember hearing the knock on the door and Sean crying. The nurse said he wouldn't calm down and thought he needed his Mommy to feed him. He stopped as soon as I held him. What an amazing feeling. What an immense responsibility.
He doesn't need his Mommy quite as much anymore. He sees beyond Mommy now and is discovering the world around him. Now I observe, guide, and discipline him more than I hold him. I remind myself that I didn't choose to have a child for me, but to raise him to love and glorify the Lord. To fulfill God's purpose for him on this earth. I remember holding him to my chest and saying, "I am loving these cuddles now, because I know he will be running from me soon." Now he runs from me and explores the world around him. It brings me joy to see him have confidence. However, when he hurts or needs my help or guidance, he calls for his "Mama or Mommy". He is affectionate, but not clingy. Exactly the way I prayed he would be.
I remember the last ultrasound I had when I was pregnant with Sean. It was during the amniocentesis our perinatologist performed a month before his due date. It determined the maturity of his lungs. The technician told me to get my running shoes ready! We laughed, but she was right! He is a busy and active little boy! Those words meant so much to us that day. We were so grateful for every movement...every proof of life. When I see him running and playing I am filled with emotion. We prayed for a healthy baby boy.
A month and a half ago I was in a room with an ultrasound once again. Leading up to the appointment I was very focused on Sean and our present situation. The minute I walked into the room with Patrick and Sean I was taken back. Back to my last ultrasound with our baby girl and all the tense and exciting ultrasounds with Sean. I didn't expect to go back to those memories. There was the probe again. That ultrasound probe that rolled all over my belly so many times with Sean...with the hope that he was healthy, but the awareness of the possibility that something could go amiss. Now the probe was on his head. It was on a little soft bump on his head. Jelly all over his beautiful blonde hair. The hair I saw waving (on ultrasound) in the amniotic fluid in his last month inside me. His head...the first part of his body that entered the world. I tried to keep him still so she could get a good reading. I looked at the screen and saw a bump and that is when my heart started beating fast. I found myself trying to read the technician's body language. Just as I did during my pregnancy ultrasounds. She seemed nervous, but I couldn't tell if it was because the mass was in a difficult spot and hard to get a good reading or because she suspected something serious. Worry and fear came into my Mommy heart. That worry and fear hadn't been there, but there it was. The realization that this could be something very serious or something very minor. I tried to stay happy and strong for Sean. I asked if she could tell me anything. She said if it was really serious (i.e. possibly cancer) they would contact his pediatrician while we were there. Thankfully, that wasn't necessary. Then as we were leaving the office, she asked us if he was our first child. We are asked that all the time. I wonder if other people are asked this question so much. I can never dismiss the fact that he isn't my first child. I always explain that we have a baby girl in heaven and that he was our first live birth. They are always sympathetic and usually say something about Sean being special. That question always sends me back to our baby girl. Back to the memory of her face. Back to her last kicks in my belly. Fear had already entered my Mommy heart that day and then she asked me that question...that question. The question I am both proud and sad to answer. So, I answered as I always do and left the office to wait for a phone call. We waited for a few days...through the weekend...to find the results were inconclusive.
We were referred to a pediatric neurosurgeon. We knew we were either dealing with a swollen lymph node, dermoid cyst, or a cancerous mass. Originally it was thought to be a swollen lymph node, but it was growing and by this time was a little large for a swollen lymph node. We felt pretty certain it wasn't cancerous, because from the ultrasound they could tell it wasn't spreading and was on the outside of his skull. We still aren't 100% certain, but our very competent neurosurgeon believes it is a dermoid cyst. If it was a lymph node, we could just leave it alone. A cyst could interfere with the bone structure of his skull, wear away the bone and eventually affect his brain development, so surgery is recommended. It is a minor surgery, but I would be lying if I said I didn't have any concern about Sean being put under general anesthesia. I would rather our time and financial resources go toward fun spring/summer activities, like going to the beach or zoo. I am grateful it is only minor, but Mommy just wishes it wasn't necessary.
Lately, my feelings have been cloudy. I have been struggling with the challenges and disappointments of this imperfect world. Trying to make sense of it all. Death is an event with which I am very acquainted. The preciousness of life is very real to me. I realize that life can be taken in an instant and I realize first hand the life of my own children can be taken in an instant. Being a mother is an incredible responsibility and that space between caring for your child and surrendering your child completely to the Lord is hard to bridge. That is where I am in all of this. As a woman and a mother I have this desire to care, nurture, organize, manage, and guide. Figuring out how to do that completely in God's power and not my own is so incredibly hard for me. Trusting in His will. I am ashamed to say that I struggle. Some days are much easier than others. Trusting in his will is so hard when my Mommy heart doesn't want my children to struggle or feel pain and suffering. When my Mommy heart doesn't want to see my children die. When my Mommy heart loves them so much. As a mother I am designed to protect my babies. From the beginning of their lives in my womb I ate healthy foods, took my vitamins daily, went to all my pre-natal check-ups and ultrasounds, rested, moderately exercised, talked, read, and sang to them. I nurtured their growth. Being a mother means trusting that I don't know God's will for their lives and accepting that it is completely out of my hands. As much as I try to be a planner, I can't plan my children's lives. The planning part of my personality isn't as strong as it once was. Perhaps that is one of the ways God is growing me as a mother.
Sean suffered from colic the first three to four months of his life on earth. He struggled with acid reflux the first year. He screamed from 5 to 12 every night in those first three to four months. It was so painful to my Mommy heart to see him in pain and to be completely powerless in comforting him. I nursed him much through the night, but he was often in pain and crying through his feedings. We held him through the pain. We prayed for the pain to stop and did all we knew to do to help him, but it lasted as long as it was supposed to. It is a part of Sean's life. A part of his story and an experience that has helped mold him to be the 18 month old he is now and the man he will become. I had no power then and still don't. Even with my immense responsibility as his mother, I am truly powerless. I can't take all the boo boos away, but I can pray. I can pray for the power of the Holy Spirit to live in us and to be strong enough to overcome and see us through the moments of suffering on this earth. When I was pregnant with Sean, Patrick and I would pray daily for him. We expressed the desire for him to be healthy and live beyond my womb. We expressed that desire of our hearts. We prayed for God's love and protection on our hearts, however long his life may be. We believed he would make it, we had faith...but we also understood that we didn't see the full picture and ultimately we had to trust that God would carry us - no matter the outcome. That holds true through every step of his life. 36+ weeks in my womb and 18+ months on this earth has been a gift...a blessing. It holds true as I wait for a surgery (even though it is minor), test results and doctor's assessments.
As a mother who has lost a child, I can choose to be fearful of losing another child or faithful that God will bring beauty from my circumstances. Whatever those circumstances may be and however that beauty may be shown. We are all in his loving hands. Jesus knew there would be times we would be scattered or have cloudy thoughts, but he assured us that he would not abandon us in our struggles. God sent us his only son to overcome our sin and death. Because of that we can claim the sovereign peace of Christ in our suffering.
"I have told you these things, so that in me you may have PEACE. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world."
(John 16: 33)
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