Simple Gifts

'Tis the gift to be simple, 'tis the gift to be free

'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be,

And when we find ourselves in the place just right,

'Twill be in the valley of love and delight.

When true simplicity is gain'd,

To bow and to bend we shan't be asham'd,

To turn, turn will be our delight,

Till by turning, turning we come 'round right.

Written by: Shaker Elder Joseph Brackett Jr. 1848

Simple...Simplicity. Those are such comforting words for me. Yet I struggle daily to attain and sustain simplicity.

It was the winter and spring of 1995 and I played this song on my flute often. I was thirteen years old and in band at school. Our spring competition was coming up and this was one of the pieces we were playing. I wasn't very good at the flute, but my Mom liked it. I enjoyed it, but I never felt I was good enough. It was a challenging year in my little isolated family of three. This piece was my Mom's favorite of the three works we were preparing for competition. For the last five years my mother was in and out of rehab. Those were at least the times I know of and can remember. In the last year of her life she was hospitalized or in rehab more than she was home. My life was a roller coaster. It was anything but simple. I would practice this piece and it seemed to make her happy. In the last year of her life she rarely genuinely smiled. I ached to see her happy and I would play this song to make her happy. She looked forward to going to band festival and hearing it performed. She wanted to be there. When that day in March came I was there, but she wasn't. I cried faint tears as I played in the auditorium of my junior high school...which was also where my mother went to high school. I felt like no one around me understood the heavy burden of loss that weighted me down in that squeaky metal chair. Earlier that month my mother finally found complete simplicity. In a place I did not expect...heaven.

As I grow older I discover the appeal of simplicity. I find it, but I don't always keep it. Why is it so difficult to keep?

Simple isn't easily understood. Achieving simplicity isn't so simple. Our world and minds are cluttered. How much of what we spend our time on is really important? How much brain and physical power is actually wasted on unimportant things? Things that prevent us from having a life of simplicity.

In some respects I have been stripped of some of the luxuries this world provides by foolish financial decisions early in my life, the choice to go into a profession that requires much, but doesn't have much of a financial return, and by deciding to stay home and be a full time Mommy to Sean. I struggle with wanting worldly luxuries like vacations, new clothes, pedicures, massages or going to dinner and a movie or concert with my husband. I ask myself are these things important? They are lots of fun...but am I living the life I am given now? Am I finding joy in the simplicity? Am I learning what God is trying to show me? As Oswald Chambers describes in My Utmost For His Highest, "If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm , relaxed pace which should be characteristic of God." Perhaps God is showing me closeness with Him by showing me simplicity in my home...with my family...through the unconditional love of my husband...through the eyes of a child...now.

Simplicity is in the evenings when Patrick and I read together and have an unspoken peace with each other in the silence. Going to sleep and waking up to my best friend everyday. Simplicity is in the way Patrick holds my hand and the way he puts his arm around me when we are sitting side by side. Simplicity is having a marriage filled with a love that has been growing for almost 16 years.

Simplicity is in those moments when I breathe in deeply the smell of Sean's hair, when he wraps his arms around my neck and lays his head on my shoulder, the way he sighs with comfort when he is in my arms, when he smiles that infectious smile, his dancing blue eyes, when he is pleased with himself when he learns a new word or sentence. Simplicity is in the oatmeal I cook every morning, because that is his favorite meal. Simplicity is in truly being still and watching Sean learn and discover. It is in the wrestling he does with his Daddy in the evenings while I cook dinner. Simplicity is watching him explore outside and water the flowers. Watching him gaze at the bird feeder outside the window as the birds have their daily snack. Simplicity is watching him run and hearing his carefree laugh. Motherhood is far from simple, but soaking up the moments of motherhood brings simplicity. Seeing the world through a child's eyes. No clutter...no emotional baggage...a forgiving and trusting spirit.

Simplicity is being in the moment. Not fretting about past hurts or regrets or worrying about the future. It is about now...just as a child sees the world. Being thankful for what is before me. As Jesus said in Mark 18: 3-4,  "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven."

A day filled with sorrow, peace, love, and joy. The day I held Felicity in my arms.

What a blessing it is to be a mother. What a blessing it is to be mothered. To love. To be loved.

The day Sean was born - His body full of life and our hearts full of joy and thanksgiving.

It is impossible to be a mother and not think about the way you were mothered. I was very loved by my mother. I can remember how troubled she was emotionally and how much physical pain she experienced or I can choose to remember how thankful she was that I was born and healthy. I could choose to be angry, because after all her body and spirit endured, the actual cause of her death was a careless accident by a nurse. Instead I choose to remember her laugh, her smile, her heartfelt embrace, the smell of her perfume, the way her rings from my father looked on her hands, the way she sounded when she said my name, how she played card games with me, the meals she cooked, the delicious pound cakes she baked, the class parties she hosted when I was in school, my girl scout troupe she helped lead, how she said my nightly prayers with me. I can choose to remember all the happy moments with her...the ways she showed me she loved me. I can choose to remember who she was apart from the pain and the effects of overdosing on pain pills. Even though the hurt, the pain, the struggle she experienced daily is a very real and painful part of my childhood, I honor her with knowing she fought a battle and was finally given complete simplicity. A simplicity we strive to attain in this cluttered world. Just days before she died she told me she would see me in heaven. As I left for school that morning, my body shook with fear that my mother was going to die. I saw her once, after I told her goodbye the morning I left for school. She apologized for not being a good mother as I held her hand in the mental hospital. All I remember saying was, "I love you". A few days later her journey on this earth was done. I love my Mommy. I love my children.

Leaving the hospital with my Mommy.

Motherhood...it isn't simple...but it does bring simplicity to the heart. It is summed up in three words, 

"I love you".

My Cup Runneth Over....