Somewhere Between What a Wonderful World and Over The Rainbow

September is such a unique and special month. It is a month of celebration and of grieving. September 10, 2009 was the day our baby girl's heart stopped beating. When her body became still in my womb. The day she no longer needed my body to give her the nutrients to grow. The day Jesus took her to Heaven...somewhere over the rainbow. The day we call her Heavenly Birthday. September 11, 2009 was the day I gave birth to her lifeless body and held her in my arms. September 10, 2010 was the day I heard the most beautiful and surreal sound I had ever heard. The day an amazing baby boy made his voice and strength of his one month premature lungs known. I held him in my arms and he stopped crying. He looked at me with his precious blue eyes and I thought to myself what a wonderful world.

At this time of year I go back and forth between joy and grief. I am incredibly joyful and thankful for Felicity's short life, but deeply sad she isn't here to love and watch grow. I am excited and joyful that Sean is living and we are celebrating his second birthday, but sad that I must say goodbye to the beautiful moments of those two years. So I find myself getting teary eyed when he calls my name and clutching the pink teddy bear we bought Felicity before she was born. I try to hide my Felicity tears from Sean. I reserve my tears and teddy bear cuddles for the night when I crawl into bed. I have an immense guilt when it comes to both of them. I love them both dearly, but she isn't here. So, to spend time thinking and grieving about her takes time away from him. I don't want to lose the memory of her. I don't ever want to forget the way she felt in my arms or in my womb. Just as I don't ever want to forget Sean's milestones....all the moments of growth. His baby voice and now his toddler voice. Then there is the moment...being in the moment and soaking up everything God is providing in that moment. For that is one thing losing Felicity has taught me. Slow down and don't lose sight of the moment. Don't take these precious moments for granted...for nothing is in my control. They can be taken in an instant. For that is having the fear of God. Knowing it is all out of my hands and in His almighty hands.

So that is what their birthdays have been like this year. The dance of grief and joy. I suppose being a mother is mixed with grief and joy anyway. Grieving the moments that have passed to never come again and celebrating the achievements of the past, where they are now, and the possibilities of the future.

I enjoyed the moments with Sean on his second birthday. Dump trucks, excavators, steamrollers, and all! I enjoyed watching him actually eat his cupcake this year. I celebrated him telling me he was two before we sang happy birthday. I won't forget the look on his face when everyone sang to him...just him. When he came down the stairs and saw all of his decorations, the fun he had with his family, the confident walk he had as he happily explored the Georgia Aquarium for the first time. For these moments are why I take tons of pictures and video. These moments make a beautiful world. These moments are a gift. Life is a gift.

If someone had told me that the seemingly healthy baby girl living inside me would go to Heaven before her body was born and exactly a year later (to the day) I would give birth to a healthy baby boy, I would have had difficulty believing them. Both Felicity and Sean are gifts and each unique. Both are celebrated. Both are loved. Both are always in my heart. Both are thought about everyday. When I hear both their names, I am filled with an amazing joy and deep love.

In Sean's words, "Happy Birfday" to my little girl over the rainbow where bluebirds fly and my little boy who helps me see What a wonderful world it can be.